anorexia discovered….

since i was  bout 7- 8 yrs old,

ive had an eating disorder

but somehow didnt know it….

at least i never gave it the name it deserved…

its kind of embarrassing to admit, considering most of my Ana/ Mia ( nicknames for anorexia/ bulimia ) fb friends are in their teens….

they have already recognized a problem. i felt kinda dumb for not realizing it ages ago. it took me awhile to be ready to blog about this….

many of you have noticed, even asked me,  why i share intimate details about pretty much everything, but dont have even one blog post regarding my eating disorder.

people rightly assumed i have an experience with it to post such revealing statistics, facts, and photos….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• Almost 50% of people with eating disorders meet the criteria for depression.
• Only 1 in 10 men and women with eating disorders receive treatment.
• Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder) in the U.S.
• Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

honestly adding ana/ mia accounts was my journey of discovery! believe it or not you all contributed to me understanding myself !!

i started realizing their was a word for when i privately had freak outs and needed to eat a bunch. “BINGING” discovered.

i started realizing my dieting – was essentially fasting – my weight obsession indeed had a name. “ANOREXIA” discovered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i honestly thought throughout my life that i simply “dieted” – when i’d start to gain i’d imagine – oh my body doesnt need as much

as im taking in – i need to cut way back and lose that 5lbs quickly. not knowing that i was actually punishing my body, and if i had

only continued to eat, and added few more healthy things in, i’d have immediately lost the 5lbs….

starving was tricking my body into fearing if it wouldnt be fed. it learned to desperately cling on to and save the fat for just such occasions when id decide to stop eating. the human body automatically does this – when a person begins to lack food/nutrients.

i never looked at it as a real issue. i just figured. ya. im a bit obsessed with my weight, but who isnt these days?

i want to thank all of you on fb for being honest about your disorders. you have taught me to understand myself, and realize so very much.

if it werent for you honest notes, authentic status updates and comments, i would have never completely learned the truth of this disease.

i just felt i could not write about my newly discovered disorder until i could get a grasp on it, more understanding, and also seek resolution.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• 91% of women surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting. 22% dieted “often” or “always.”5
• 86% report onset of eating disorder by age 20; 43% report onset between ages of 16 and 20.
• Anorexia is the third most common chronic illness among adolescents.
• 95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25.
• 25% of college-aged women engage in bingeing and purging as a weight-management technique.
• The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate associated with all causes of death for females 15-24 years.
• Over one-half of teenage girls and nearly one-third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives.
• In a survey of 185 female students on a college campus, 58% felt pressure to be a certain weight, and of the 83% that dieted for weight loss, 44% were of normal weight

• An estimated 10-15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are male.
• Men are less likely to seek treatment for eating disorders because of the perception that they are “woman’s diseases.”
• Among gay men, nearly 14% appeared to suffer from bulimia and over 20% appeared to be anorexic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i began to research my disorder. to comprehend it. to prepare a plan of action, to face it, not only for me, but for all of us. i had to figure it out.

the most IMPORTANT truth discovered was starving or fasting causes weight loss but fat gain. the bodies natural function is to

eat and burn calories. when we dont eat, it burns half muscle/ half fat. when we eat it burns pure fat. there is no reason for storing it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

if you eat everyday throughout each day your body stops panicking and holding on to the fat, its like your body relaxes and finally functions as it was

meant to. my metabolism now at 32 yrs is way faster than its been in 10 years. eating every 4 hours small meals has completely changed my life….

*the binging has naturally cut back. i never feel so starving that i just got to stuff my face with everything i’ve been torturing myself not to eat !

*in the beginning i really had to force myself to eat some of the meals, now naturally my body actually feels hungry around every 4-5 hours !

*i did not take any laxatives, diet pills, green teas, a week of liquid, any crazy p90 X workouts, i am injured and have not worked out one day!

* after years of disrespecting my body, hating it, confusing it, fighting against its natural function, i began to respect it and it loved me back!

*i wouldnt be writing about this if i hadnt just lost 20 lbs in two 1/2 months. by changing my thought process and firmly my eating patterns !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• 95% of all dieters will regain their lost weight within 5 years.
• 35% of “normal dieters” progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 20-25% progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders.
• The body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females.
47% of girls in 5th-12th grade reported wanting to lose weight because of magazine pictures.
69% of girls in 5th-12th grade reported that magazine pictures influenced their idea of a perfect body shape.13
42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner (Collins, 1991).
• 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat (Mellin et al., 1991).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 months ago i started by, for the first time in my entire life, admitting to my family doctor that i struggle with ED and was planning to eat healthy small

meals, working on recovery, and i was afraid of my obsession taking over and losing too much. so he wisely asked me what was my goal weight. when

i revealed my intended plan, he gently explained that with my body structure, type, and age that my goal was actually a weight he would consider very

underweight, unhealthy and cause for concern. then he caringly asked me to consider a healthier beautiful option of just 10lbs more than i wanted….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i felt free inside.

i thanked him.

i needed that.

i had less to lose then i originally had pinned on myself.

i decided to believe the doctor, and fight the mental lie, that sees myself as obviously bigger then i am.

i know i see myself thru different eyes then others do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i had a choice to believe the doctors experienced medical opinion and happily except i now had 10 less lbs to lose,

or to chose to believe that doctors nuts, and just doesnt want me to look good. lol. sound kinda funny but it all boils

down to each thing we decide to believe. we make the choice to believe lies from the evil one looking to “steal, kill and

destroy” now i tell close friends, those mean voices, the ones that make you hurt, that is a voice of evil. the plan of the

one piece of shit who desperately wants you to fail, feel dead inside, hurt, never find healing, never find forgiveness,

never find the truth, live in desperation, live tied to fear, scared to death of life, of people, of relationships, he wants

to keep you alone, he wants to feed you his hellish lies to keep you on the floor, on your back, not moving, not living.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jesus said,Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7

” And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds” Phillipians 4:7

speaking of the evil one: “He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.” John 8:44

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the father of lies makes rest in the mind – when you let him. he cannot stay if you chose to believe the opposite of what

he says there. if you turn him down -fight every lie with truth. he gets bored. he leaves. i’ve played his awful games my

whole entire life, even as a child, he sent those fiery piercing darts, into the delicate places in my soul, i didnt know how

to fight them. i was weak. i was little. i was afraid. i wondered why i was forced to hear the lies all the time, i believed

them sometimes, i didnt have anyone in my life to tell me any differently. this voice helped me criticize everything about

me. he loved to make me cry. he loved to leave me down. he knows our weakness our pain, and uses them to keep us stuck

and vulnerable. when you make a choice to throw out his thoughts, his lies, they are easily recognizable! ANY ANY

thought that makes you feel bad about you! they are any thoughts that makes you feel worthless or not good enough in any way!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im telling you now – you can be free from the lies, by choosing beautiful, freeing truth that restores, redeems, and re-energizes.

the road to truth can be difficult, its not for whimps, but i can say now – im so thankful that i ventured out to find more TRUTH.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my desperate journey for truth is what has freed me in many areas of my life. and now thankfully it has freed me from the prison of ED….

i thank God for the Hope, TRUTH, and strength He has given me. i am nothing without Him.

eating disorder statistics found here:

http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/

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surrender is stronger…

“Open up wide, swallow down deep
No spoon full of sugar could make it sweet
The cancer inside stealing my sleep
Night after night it keeps haunting me
The secrets I keep
Are tearing me up inside
I try to hide and then I wonder why

Why I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping

Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

Fall on my knees, fall on my pride
I’m tripping over all the times I’ve lied
I’m asking please, but I can see in your eyes
You don’t need tears for alibis
It’s true what they say
Love must be blind
It’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side

You’re still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left you bleeding

Chorus

I don’t think I can drive it home tonight
I don’t think I wanna be alone tonight

lyrics by FFH

I AM THANKFUL FOR A GOD WHO STANDS BY MY SIDE, NO MATTER MY WEAKNESS, MY FAILURES, MY PRIDE, MY SHORTCOMINGS, MY UNWORTHINESS, MY BROKENESS, MY PAST, MY DOUBTS, MY QUESTIONS, and MY DISORDERS. HE REALLY JUST WANTS TO LOVE US.

the Rebellion.

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
(I lift my lamp beside the golden door!)” – Statue of Liberty.

honestly, sounds like something Jesus could have said.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and loaded down with burdens, and I will give you rest.” ~ Jesus ( Matthew 11:28 )

the fact of the matter is life breaks all of us at some time, in some way.

i grew up in a religious environment where failure, sin, fear, doubt, and questions were pretty much kept under wraps.

i refuse to ever live a life of lies just to appear a certain way to certain people.

“unstoppable movements are made up of messy, broken people.” – my pastor Scott Hodge

i find courage in knowing Jesus was persecuted for loving the outcasts.

He knows we are worth His time. He believes in us!

i absolutely love that Jesus used a parable ( story )

to describe how some cling to religion  (even a priest ! )

yet do not follow the most basic command to love others….

Luke 10:30-37

Jesus answered,

“A certain man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers,

who both stripped him and beat him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

By chance a certain priest was going down that way. When he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

In the same way a Levite also, when he came to the place, and saw him, passed by on the other side.

But a certain Samaritan, as he traveled, came where he was.

When he saw him, he was moved with compassion, came to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine.

He set him on his own animal, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.

On the next day, when he departed, he took out two denarii, and gave them to the host,

and said to him, ‘Take care of him. Whatever you spend beyond that, I will repay you when I return.

’ Now which of these three do you think seemed to be a neighbor to him who fell among the robbers?”

He said, “He who showed mercy on him.”

Then Jesus said to him, “Go and do likewise!”

“The priest and the Levite represent the religious elite.

These people were characteristically arrogant and hypocritical,

treating others they considered to be of a lower class, such as Samaritans, with contempt.

Samaritans in particular were looked down upon.

For though holding claims on Judaism, they were not pure Jews.

They were half-breeds both genetically and theologically,

and the Jewish religious elite was also quite racist at the time.

Characteristic of Jesus,

he loves to humiliate the proud and lift up the humble,

and thus he used a Samaritan in his illustration.”  ~ http://www.bcbsr.com/survey/pbl25.html

( reminds me of Half bloods or Muggles – in harry potter language :)

“You place too much importance… on the so-called purity of blood! 

You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be!” 

~ Albus Dumbledore

“Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.”

~ Albus Dumbledore

too many Christians dont want to stop or touch or be near the dirty sinners. they want to appear Holy by attending church. saying the

“right” prayers, singing the “humble” hymns, while hiding their pain, problems, and sins beneath the surface of pretend relationships.

“When He  ( Jesus ) saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because

they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. ( Matt 9:36)

my greatest find spiritually has been the realization that Jesus rebelled against the religious hypocrites by merely LOVING PEOPLE.

if you have been hurt by religion. i hope you will still consider giving Jesus a chance. He wasn’t religious. He excepted / excepts everyone.

“But when the teachers of religious law who were Pharisees saw him eating with tax collectors

and other sinners, they asked His ( Jesus ) disciples, “Why does He eat with such scum?” (Mark 2;16)

He cared about the overlooked, misunderstood, mistreated, broken, unloved, doubting, scared OUTSIDERS.

and this is good news for me….

” GOD will not look you over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars” ~ Elbert Hubbard

He takes our pain, suffering, and hurt, and uses it for good. i dont know of any other god who can do that. He offers to walk with us through life.

” he who has faith has… an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well – even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly” ~ B.C Forbes

this promise i cling to with all my heart, and hold tight to during every battle in my mind. it is a truth i will never forget,  my existence depends on it:

” all things work together for GOOD to those who love God ” ~ Romans 8:28

we may be scarred, broken, and undone, but not without purpose!

our scars may bind us to pain but it also bonds us to one another.

our deep brokeness creates within us a love and gentle compassion for others breaking.

Admitting were undone, allows us to relate and intimately understand without judgement,

our fellow outcasts. we are called/ invited to join His movement – His rebellion – to LOVE.

no matter what you been through the Jesus i follow is all about LOVE. not judgement.

He wants to comfort you. He understands pain. He hurts for you. He is one cry away.

Jesus understands what its like to be unloved, hated, persecuted, and eventually killed.

the words of this song are an outpouring of gratefulness.

i feel this for a God who is taking my broken places and giving them purpose.

He and He alone resurrects dead things.

i believe this with all my heart.

because He love us –

He doesnt leave us in hopelessness –

INSTEAD he begins making us new.

Restoring our damaged hearts.

AND MAKING BEAUTIFUL THINGS OUT OF US…

“All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Making me new

Lyrics by Gungor.


DO YOU?

do you ever feel so helpless?

do you ever wonder who you can trust?

do you fight fear daily?

do you hurt so deeply sometimes that you just cant talk – at all?

do you want love but are also terrified to believe in it?

do you wonder who you are?

do your past traumas haunt you?

do you scream inside?

do you dread tomorrow?

do you resent your unhealed wounds?

do you feel incapable? inadequate? unappreciated?

do you constantly disappoint your critics?

do you realize you have become your own worst critic?

do you seek perfection above absolutely anything?

do you regularly endure disapproval?

do you feel life is just to hard to get through?

do you feel alone and broken?

do you try to get better and fail?

do you feel life keeps you on a roller coaster?

do you feel unloved?

do you feel rejected?

do you constantly internally debate with terror every decision?

do you feel scared of your own choices?

do you hope for freedom?

do you pray your mind will finally calm down?

do you grow weary from your own thoughts?

do you fear life’s next difficulty?

do you find yourself dwelling on regret?

do you doubt every decision after its made?

do you keep believing things cant get worse, and then they do?

do you feel restless? tired? exhausted?

do you feel lifeless?

do you find yourself hating you?

do you despise your own reflection in the mirror?

do you feel out of control inside?

do you sense your damaged ?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE MY FRIEND.

” Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. they

happen to break you down, and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”

~ Samuel Johnson


“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside,

somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God.

Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.”  ~ Anne Frank ( !!! )

irresistable REVOLUTION.

so i started reading a book called “THE IRRESISTIBLE REVOLUTION” by shane claiborne.

~~

i never finished it … i ugh …have a habit of starting too many books at the same time. lol.

so just started re – reading it and you lucky people get to hear about it. cuz when i find unusual

Christians that convince me there are others who believe in a bigger God, a bigger plan – it just

becomes too exciting for me to hold inside. i find such passion ignited knowing others find more!

~~

anyway i just got to say that its people like shane claiborne, jay bakker, john ortberg, rob bell,

and my pastor scott hodge that have helped change my pain filled assumptions and fears –

that all Christians are the same….

~~

i love his book dedication:

DEDICATED to all the hypocrites, cowards, and fools … like me.

May we find the WAY the TRUTH and the LIFE

in a world of shortcuts, deception, and death.

~~

if you dont know Shane – hes a crazy dude –

He actually lived with the homeless – when he wasnt homeless.

from the streets of Calcutta (intern to mother Teresa)

to the war zones of Iraq –

he describes his life as his journey following Jesus….

just had to share some of what im reading. learning. loving.

INTRODUCTION

“Christianity

often has offered little to the world. other than the hope that things will be better in heaven” …

~~

“when one of my anarchist friends,

a punk rock kid deliberately far removed

from anything reeking of Christendom.

heard that i was speaking at a congregation

on Sunday morning. he called me up and said

“i didnt know you were a preacher?”

i laughed and explained to him ….

MY LOVE FOR JESUS.

MY DISCONTENT WITH THE CHURCH.

AND MY HOPE FOR ANOTHER WORLD.

he said to me – “how about that, you’re a preacher…id go to a church that would let you preach!”

~~

” i recently received a letter from a young man that read –

“i am alone, surrounded by unbelieving activists and

inactive believers. Where are the true Christians?

A “silent majority” is developing as a growing number of folks are deliberately

distancing themselves from the noise and arrogance that have come to mark

both the evangelical Christianity and secular activism.”

~~

” and whether i was among wealthy expatriates in the Bahamas. lepers of Calcutta. or the puzzled Christians in Iraq. i found that the solemn recognition that our world is very fragile is universal. And yet … attentive ears can hear the ancient whisper reminding us that another world is possible ”

“the whisper cries out for God to save the church from

us Christians and breathe new life into the ageing BODY.”

” what if a fragile world is more attracted to Gods vision of interdependence and sacrificial sharing than to the mirage of independence and materialism? ”

~~

… and all kinds of embarrassing things being done in the name of God …

Many of us are refusing to allow distorted images of our faith to define us ….

we want to spread another kind of Christianity, a faith,

that has as much to say about this world as it does about the next ...

a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees

and becomes the church it dreams of.”

~~

“Little people with big dreams are re-imagining the world. Little movements of communities of ordinary radicals are committed to doing “small things with great love” ( quote from mother Teresa )

~~

if this post didnt make you want to read his book,

dont worry i’ll have more to come. loving this book!

LEMONY vs. JOHN ORTBERG :o)

“Everyone, at some point in their lives,

wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world,

and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them,

and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again

and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape,

hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve,

but suspecting, in their heart of hearts,

that they will remain unloved forever.

The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.”

— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid)

i first posted this quote on FB – and a friend found it to be a depressing quote.

odd how we each read things differently.

I found it comforting to know when im awake – cant sleep – or worried that i can reach out to others who may be in the same boat. i swear there are people who never sleep on FB – that and i suppose it also may have to do with the fact my friends live all over the world – in different time zones….

i guess it was relief that im not the only one – i mean i dont wish that on anyone – to be up in the middle of the night crying – but to know maybe if we found others like us – then we would be there for each other. i also think that stashed away in the back of my mind was a similar quote i had read – and somehow stuck with me – so i quickly googled ” john ortberg quotes on anxiety” and found the one that follows. in an odd way they are saying a similar thing.  THAT when we experience anxiety that most others would relate if we are willing to reach out to others rather then face our pain, struggle, or fears alone. some of us close others out when we need them most. some of us just feel destined for alone – ness. but maybe were wrong?

“Never worry alone.

When anxiety grabs my mind, it is self-perpetuating.

Worrisome thoughts reproduce faster than rabbits, ( lol – love john ortberg )

so one of the most powerful ways to stop the spiral of worry

…is simply to disclose my worry to a friend…

The simple act of reassurance from another human being

[becomes] a tool of the Spirit to cast out fear —

because peace and fear are both contagious. — John Ortberg Jr.

(The Me I Want to Be: Becoming God’s Best Version of You)


i fell apart…BUT!

is it in the FALLING that we fail?

 

I hear many of you say everyday you fail yourself or others….


I seriously contemplate whether it is in the FALLING that we fail –

or if the failing doesnt happen till we dont get back up again?

 

 

 

 

No warning sign, no alibi

We faded faster than the speed of light

Took our chance, crashed and burned

No, we’ll never ever learn

I fell apart,

but I got back up again,

And then I fell apart,

but got back up again,

yeah

We both could see crystal clear,

That the inevitable end was near

Made our choice, a trial by fire,

To battle is the only way we feel alive

I fell apart,

but got back up again,

And then I fell apart, but got back up again,

And then I fell apart, but got back up again

away oh

away oh

away oh

So here we are, the witching hour,

The quickest tongue to divide and devour

Divide and devour

If I could end the quest for fire,

For truth, for love, and my desire,

My desire

And I fell apart, but got back up again

away oh, away oh, away oh, away oh, away oh,

away oh, away oh, away oh, away oh,

I fell apart, I fell apart, I fell apart,

I fell apart. I fell apart,

But got back up again

ALIBI – lyrics by jared leto ( 30 seconds to mars )

DONT judge what you dont UNDERSTAND….

Told I talked too much

made too much noise

I took up a silent hobby—

Bleeding. –S. Marie, “Do Not Disturb”

Over the past year,

one in five females and

one in seven males

have engaged in some form of self-injury type behaviour.

“For the first time in months, I felt together. Sharp. In hurting myself, I had at last found a way to release the pressure. But it was more than that. I was now different. I felt different. I’d discovered a way to control my feelings. Just because self-mutilation wasn’t deemed an acceptable coping mechanism didn’t mean I was going to stop doing it.” –Victoria Leatham, (Bloodletting)

warning: photo or topic may be triggering.

i just want you all to know if you self injure – your so NOT ALONE ….

i understand. i care.

“I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to kill the thing on the inside.”

-“Girl, Interrupted”, Susanna Kaysen

There are many who share your feelings. i describe it as this welling up of feelings that create a sort of chaotic battlefield inside. i had thought about it for years. i had urges to cut i mean. i had read and knew that there was a good possibility id get addicted to the feeling – so i fought with all my might to not even start it. i never really understood the desire – but i always felt sure inside that if i needed to it was always there as a last resort. i chose not to cut because i was scared i wouldnt be able to stop.

then one day, i gave in too. i couldn’t stop crying. i had a traumatic life experience and was afraid to talk to anyone about it. i was lying on the floor of my bathroom – after hours and hours of crying i just knew id find relief if i would just inflict physical pain. to somehow release this inner pain to a place i could let it out and let it go. i dont know how or why i have felt these desires for so long. i didnt care how many cuts i made – with each cut i screamed outwardly what i couldnt tell anyone. i felt a sort of taking of control. the rush of focus to the pain i inflicted felt so good and so soothing….

“The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.” -Karl Marx

i know to some this makes no sense. but to others you relate.

i was so low i didnt care if i “gave in” and cut for the first time. i was in so much inner misery. my head hurt from crying. i laid on my bathroom floor limp except for my body was shaking. my lungs felt about to collapse. id hold my breath – cuz it hurt to breath. i just needed some way to release it all. crying wasnt working. xanax did nothing. i was fighting the urge for hours. i had never done it before – what kind of example would i be to those that i hope wont cut – if i do it myself? i didnt care. the pain was so intense – i ran out of tears. i just laid there wondering when id sit up and cut myself.

i finally did. and i was right. release. relief flushed over me. i got it out. i fully understood you all.

i stopped crying. i felt the pain on my arm. it felt good to feel that kind of pain.

i liked that i could focus and feel that pain.

it was in my control – unlike the pain someone else inflicted on me …

i always tell others – if you cut. at least your alive. i know its not the best way to cope. but i never get mad at anyone who tells me they “failed” and cut – i tell them – ” your alive aren’t you?” then you made it through. i never get angry because someone cant stop cutting. i often desire the same relief.

i just wanted to write this for all of you out there – who feel alone – ashamed – confused – frustrated and dont know how or why you went down this road of self injury. cuz sometimes coping is hoping !!

im not condoning self injury in any way. im just saying ” i get it “. i have only self harmed one other time since then. i try not to cause i dont want to get into a habit. i dont want to use that escape.

i have sought further mental help since my experience cutting. i am also planning to get therapy for the underlying cause. the reason behind such distress, pain, anger, heartache, and suffering…

i try hard to find other escapes. like music. reading. giving hope to you guys. loving others in need.

i also wanted to share this as information for many who dont understand self injury. some people think its attention seeking. well, for most its not. i covered my arms. i was embarrassed by the cuts.

“We shouldn’t be so shocked by the cutting; we should be shocked by what causes it,”

– Marilee Strong (author of a ‘bright red scream’)

The motivations for self-harm vary and it may be used to fulfil a number of different functions.

“You might imagine that a person would resort to self-mutilation only under extremes of duress, but once I’d crossed that line the first time, taken that fateful step off the precipice, then almost any reason was a good enough reason, almost any provocation enough. Cutting was my all-purpose solution. My scars ought to be a charm bracelet of mnemonics, each a permanent reminder of its precipitating event, but maybe the most disturbing thing I can say about the history of my cutting is that for the most part I can’t even remember the whens and the whys behind those wounds. It didn’t take much to make me cut. Frustration, humiliation, insecurity, guilt, remorse, loneliness—I cut ’em all out. They were like a poison, caustic and destructive, as though lye had been siphoned into my veins. The only way I could survive them, I thought, was to keep draining them from my blood.” –ditto

The functions of self-harm include being used as a coping mechanism

which provides temporary relief of intense feelings such as anxiety,

When I cut myself I feel so much better. All the little things that might have been annoying me suddenly seem so trivial, because I’m concentrating on the pain. –ditto

depression, stress, emotional numbness….

“The plain fact of it was that I was miserable—though my misery wasn’t so much sadness as it was a shrieking unease, a gnawing despair, which I had been trying that morning to cut out of myself.” –Caroline Kettlewell, Skin Game

and a sense of failure or self-loathing…..

It serves a lot of functions in my life. I use it as a way to punish myself, I use it as a way to medicate myself, I use it for the tension release when things get too strong or too built up. –ditto

Self-harm is often associated with a history of trauma and abuse,

including emotional abuse, sexual abuse,

“Better to inflict pain on myself than to let other people do it”.

–Tracy Thompson, The Beast: A Reckoning with Depression

drug dependence,

eating disorders, or mental traits such as low self-esteem or perfectionism.

“There’s a certain window of time in the middle of the night out in Middle America where there’s no bar open and nothing on TV. If you don’t want to do too many drugs, you

have to start bodily mutilation.” –Ani DiFranco

There is also a positive statistical correlation between self-harm and emotional abuse.

“I needed to kill something in me, this awful feeling like worms tunnelling along my nerves. So when I discovered the razor blade, cutting, if you’ll believe me, was my gesture of hope. … All the chaos, the sound and fury, the uncertainty and confusion and despair—all of it evaporated in an instant, and I was for that moment grounded, coherent, whole. Here is the irreducible self. I drew the line in the sand, marked my body as mine, its flesh and its blood under my command. –ditto

There are a number of different methods that can be used to treat self-harm and which concentrate on either treating the underlying causes or on treating the behaviour itself. When self-harm is associated with depression, antidepressant drugs and treatments may be effective.

Other approaches involve avoidance techniques, focus on keeping the individual occupied with other activities, replacing the act of self-harm with safer methods that do not lead to permanent damage.

My wounds

do the weeping

I cannot.

–S. Marie


that 6 letter word….SINGLE

ok – so i keep seeing these depressing  FB statuses about loneliness and stuff and i just had to give you all something to think about. lol.

its just something thats pouring out of me for those hurting today….

FIRST – chin up – im single too and today doesnt bother me one bit – Hmmm… my secret ????

the way i see it – its just another day.

one day you will enjoy the day but until then try hard not to let it get you down.

it doesnt bother me at all. cuz i know that even people celebrating the day – may not be happy in the relationship. the grass is always greener … you kno?

i try to focus on the reasons im glad to not be in a relationship.

the freedom to not have to worry about someone else all the time has given me time to work on me.

to work through pain, fears, doubts, anger, and deep brokenness.

if you feel like your completely ready to be with someone – you might try to realize that maybe the person you end up finding is working through things – and not ready to meet you yet :o)

remember the day is a hallmark holiday – a way for stores to make money. spend the money your saving on you ! get a massage ! a piercing ! a facial ! a tattoo ! be good to yourself today !!

celebrate who you are! sit down and write the things you like about yourself – things that would make you an excellent partner to someone – then write down some of the issues you brought into previous relationships – and really ask yourself – were you right? wrong? do you need to work through things before you will be a better mate then the last time you were in a relationship ??

i feel thankful for being available to dream my own dreams.

the peace i feel without drama and painful disagreements.

the time im now allowed to focus on bettering myself.

the way i am able to grow in my friendships that are often pushed aside while dating someone.

today i look at the good sides of being alone. not saying – i never feel lonely – but i really believe if in my life i was supposed to be with a guy right now – i would be – its not a main concern in my life.

i figure everything happens for a reason – that im meant to be alone at the moment or i would have met someone by now that i was willing to spend the rest of my life with. Embrace and take pride in your independence! it makes you no less of a person to not have a significant other! it makes you strong to not be dependent on another person. dependency always causes disappointed when that other person cannot make you happy or help you love yourself. i have been single 4 years – so im speaking from experience here. i can honestly say – i have grown deeply as a person. looking back i feel there was definite purpose in being alone. it caused me to reclaim my independence. i found strength i never knew i had. i found i spend time getting to know God and its changed my life forever.

i am way more thankful for my singleness at this moment then sad or lonely.

i believe everything happens for a reason. i trust i will find someone – and now i will be a better person then i was 4 years ago.

i am a better person – because i have been able to work on my own issues.

i have found more freedom from my disorders and hopeless feelings!

being able to focus on me and my problems and not worrying bout a significant others problems and why we are dysfunctional – i believe now i will be a better girlfriend, wife and mom some day because i took time to be alone and find myself and find my purpose and grow in my strengths.

i have realized passions – i have renewed dreams for my future.

i sought treatment – i got on the right medication – i fought thru the baggage i carried – so now when i do date someone i dont bring all that pain into the relationship. i am not in any way sad today.

good for those who are with someone – happy or not – but good for us who arent as well – we are in a phase in life that we are allowed to just focus on us – and bettering our lives. i hope you embrace your singleness. being alone today does not mean you will always be alone !!!!!!!!!!

trust that the future holds love for you. there is someone who will find and love you like no other!

its just not your time at this moment. everyone with someone celebrating today – has also most likely gone through a valentines day alone – and know how you feel !! be happy for your friends who’ve found love – if anything it should encourage you that love is possible and you may find it – HOPE – HOPE – HOPE – keep it no matter what the day says you should feel. EMBRACE BEING ALONE!

be confident that you are not willing to just date someone to date someone – that you have standards – that you care about finding someone who you will feel happy with. that your not desperate and miserable! be thankful your not out today scrambling to find that perfect gift you should have bought weeks ago. lol. just think of all the money that we get to save. :o)

find your purpose in being alone. grow. find recovery. whatever the reason your life has allowed you to be without a relationship. believe that it is for a reason. remember the things you hated while in a previous relationship. be thankful your no longer experiencing the pain you once experienced together. YOU never know what tomorrow holds. you could meet mr. or mrs RIGHT tomorrow – and if you had settled today just to not be alone – you may miss out on a love that would make you the happiest. stay strong in your choices. learn to not NEED a man or woman to make you complete.

if you need someone – you will scare most anyone away. most humans dont like clingy people who look to them for complete happiness. you must love yourself before allowing someone into that place to love you. if you believe that a man or woman will make you happy – they surely wont!!

you must be able to find happiness in being alone. stop fearing its forever. there is a time and place for every relationship to start. there are millions loving each other tonight – there are others who are settling just to not be alone tonight – but their are also millions out there who are single and unaffected by the significance of this day. i can honestly say if i hadnt spent these years alone – i know i would not be the person i am today. i see purpose in my time alone. i believe we are responsible to become better – so that one day we will be the best version of ourselves when a significant other comes around. ignore the day if it hurts. spend time with other single friends – who are bored tonight. EMBRACE the place you happen to be in life. there is reason for singleness.

i have found this to be true – because i have experienced it. i am now thankful for these years – that i have lived without the distraction of a guy – it has brought my life into focus – i have realized so much about myself. i have been allowed to think of me finding my way through this journey called life. not always struggling to work on me and while trying to care also about the other person.

find peace in the fact ur growing to be your better person. explore ideas, dream, focus on your own future and plans. allow yourself to explore opportunities. to travel. to pick up and move to a dream job! you will never be happy with a significant other if you cannot be happy alone with yourself :o)

love yall !!!!

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